Uncomfortable Topics - How to Start a Difficult Conversation

The best leaders don't bring up the fact they are the leader. Successful companies and organizations have many leaders within their walls. The Captain is not always the top scorer or production leader. The best leaders help their team achieve great heights both as individuals and collectively. All this without having to mention their authority. How you ask? It's because it is never about them. Great leaders create trust. Where there is trust there is healthy conversation about performance and outcomes without fear of being judged by those you report to.
The business world is full of buzz words like "Buy In" " Team Effort" "Peak Performance" and yes, " Leadership". The days of " The beatings will continue until moral increases" are long past. Within the walls of business there exists staff who do not live up to their commitments and are not held accountable. I believe one reason is the lack of leadership skills. The inability to have a difficult conversation with a direct report can result in a host of problems within an organization. So whats the trick here? How do you get started with that difficult conversation that will lead to a healthy conclusion and a healthy working relationship.
I suggest you consider the following at the outset of a difficult conversation.

1. Ask for a meeting with the individual in person quietly and not in front of other staff members.
2. Make every effort not to have the conversation across your desk. Configure your office or space that creates a conversation and not a you work for me feeling.
3. Spend time considering how you will open the conversation with out challenging the employee creating a defensive atmosphere.
4. If the employee missed a deadline there is a usually a valid reason in their mind. The employee may have had too much on their plate but were unable say no "I don't have time" or This will impact the out come of another project I am working on. In short find the best way to have them explain why. This will allow the two of you to find a common solution.
5. Ask open ended questions during the conversation avoiding questions that can be answered in yes or no.

There can be hundreds of reasons why staff members under perform, miss deadlines or behave badly. There is no cookie cutter solution as each situation will have it's own set of circumstances. The key is to create a feeling of trust from both the leader and the staff member. Where there is trust there will be honest conversations and both parties have a willingness to help each other reach their common and personal objectives.

Are You Dialed In

We have all heard the sayings, " In the Zone ", On top of it", "Plugged In" and "I'm focused" but how long have you been able to hold on to those thoughts. This is something I have struggled with most of my life being an ADD. The high energy and emotions of ADD leave most ADD's in their late teens but some of the traits or symptoms of ADD get to hang around for most of our lives. Being easily bored is also a trait that's tough to shake. ADD's need to be stimulated. My ADD hang over became perfectly clear last fall while I was attending an organizations leadership weekend. A friend reached over and whispered in my ear " Your a sprinter aren't you?" He asked me this following my stating I was unable to fulfill a commitment and I had to step down as chair of a committee. That statement "Your a sprinter aren't you" has been rattling around in my mind ever since.
We can all be dialed in but how long can you stay in the zone? Truly successful people manage to stay on target and do not lose sight of their target. This I believe is a true measure of their commitment to a project or goal. My thought is many of us set ourselves up to fail because the objective or the time frame is too short. We simply lose interest or burn ourselves out before we get the job completed. I think every one suffers from this and not just ADD's.
Here is what I have learned works for me and I expect these reminders can work for you as well.

1. Just slow down.
2. Determine how bad you want it and in some cases what do others expect from you?
3. Is the time frame realistic? Can you accomplish what needs to be accomplished in the alloted time?
4. Where does the goal fit into you list of priorities? In other words will you have to give something else up to achieve this.
5. Is this a "have to" or "a want to" objective or goal?
6. Do you have an emotional attachment. Is this a burning desire. Emotional attachment helps but can it can cloud your judgement.
7. If the commitment or goal involves others be sure to share concerns with the others involved. Deadlines can be a mixed blessing.
8. Don't say yes to a commitment before you think it through?

My friend who suggested I was a sprinter was correct. My high energy and commitment was connected to a worthy cause. I wanted it. It felt right. I said yes for all the right reasons. The conflict was all the other things going on in my life that were important too. In short being dialed in is a pretty big space. The goal and the dream needs to be very clear. Disappointing ourselves is one thing. Disappointing others can be disastrous. The zone is a space that exists between the start and the finish line. Only you can determine the speed at which you travel that distance.

Don't Beat Yourself Up

Are you beating yourself up over a bad decision compounded by an unsatisfactory outcome? It's been a few weeks however the pain remains long past when you should have let it go. Why can't you let go? Are you afraid to let go? Does any one really care other than yourself? Have you ever had a conversation with yourself about what I have just asked?
I know that last sentence can sting but it is a valid question. I expect you are more worried about the event gone wrong than others. Now if you have let others down or broken a commitment then that is a whole other issue. No matter the issue you need to deal with it and move on.
Here are some easy steps to help you let go.

• Did the event impact any one else? If so go see them and talk it through. I expect they may have seen the event differently than you. Start the conversation with, I am feeling uncomfortable about a recent issue and I am looking for your view on the events. Can you help me out? The fact you have approached them asking for assistance will help defuse any hard feelings if there are any. Remember you have asked for help and clarification.


• Get to work on something that will put your mind somewhere else. Dwelling on the negative will just add salt to the wound. The old adage"keep busy" helps. Time does not heal all wounds but is does for most the bumps and scrapes we have encountered in our lives.


• What did you learn from the experience that will make you tougher and mentally stronger. This is key. Write it down so it will be more lasting. It's not that you will never go down that road again. If you do, you would do it differently next time. Lessons are powerful tools.


• What can you do to turn this negative into a positive. Once you figure that out, do it as soon as possible. Others who were impacted by your error as well as yourself will be able to move on sooner.

Every one makes mistakes. The most successful people on the earth all tell us they made many mistakes on the road to success. You can bet they did not spend allot of time beating themselves up or dwelling on a mistake. They know the best thing is to get over it and move on. Yesterday is History. History is filled with lessons learned. Today is filled with an abundance of opportunity. Go pursue your dreams. Success is closer than you think.